Oh Deer!

Today, we had a little sad excitement at school. It is exam week. The students take two exams each day and then they leave at noon. The second exam today was during my planning period so I was in my room packing up stuff for the summer. It was nice and quiet in my room and the hallway when I heard the teacher across the hall say, “There is a deer in the courtyard.”

I started toward my door when I hear what sounded like a gunshot down the hall. Students started yelling. I went into the hall and turned toward the office nearby when I saw a deer running toward the outside door from the science hall.

WTF?...... I do not teach in a rural school …we are in the middle of a town, population about 60,000!

The deer was slinging blood everywhere when he hit the outside door. It opened and the deer went into the airlock between the two sets of doors. It started running back and forth between the two sets of doors; body slamming the doors and windows trying to get out.

We have a custodian that reminds me of Tim Conway doing his fireman gig. He appeared out of nowhere, shuffled slowly to the door, opened it nonchalantly, and entered the airlock area, about 25’ by 8’, WITH the frightened bloody deer. He shuffled to the outside door, opened it, and stood there as calmly as if he was holding the door for an old woman. The deer figured that the door was open and hauled ass out of it toward the elementary school across the street.

The woman that works that office was standing behind a closed door squealing like a little girl. No one was doing anything but running around like they had gone mad. I went over and told her to open the door. She went back to her desk. I told her to call 911 and ask them to dispatch animal control. She picked up her little school system radio and looked at me like I was speaking German or something. I told the other woman that works the office to call the elementary school and tell them to do a modified lock down in case the deer went into their school.

Both of these women acted like their brains had run out the door with the injured animal. I had to tell the first one to put down the radio and use the phone to call dispatch, you know 911. The other one was saying that she didn’t know the number to the school. DAMN ….get your act together.

After three tries, the woman dialed dispatch and then looked at me and said, “What do I tell them?”

Mother fuck! How about telling them that an injured deer just broke through a 2” thick glass window, ran up and down our hallway, and then left headed toward the elementary school across the street leaving our halls covered in blood and broken glass. She just looked at me so I came around the counter, took the phone from her and gave dispatch the information. They sent animal control and our SRO. I was not sure that we ever made the call to the other school so I asked dispatch to call them too.

Meanwhile, Tim Conway shuffled back into the building and disappeared. I do not believe that his heart rate ever got above 60 and he was actually within injury range of the poor animal. The women in the office who were never in harms way were having a meltdown. Their heart rate was probably in the stroke range.

The terrified, injured animal ran all over the elementary school campus and then into the residential area where he was located and neutralized by a police officer. The poor thing had been hit by a car before coming onto our campus so his injuries were severe. I still would have hated to have been the officer that had to put him down. I eat venison but I do not hunt.

I reverted to teacher mode and returned to my classroom. Three women that work in the office came by and thanked me for taking charge. They said that they just didn’t know what to do. They said that it was “incredible” watching me flip to cop mode, handle the incident, and “transform” back to teacher mode. I laughed and said that they needed to go find Tim Conway and thank him. He kept his cool and got the animal out of the building.

All of this happened in a span of maybe 5 minutes. The custodian that works my hall got all the blood off the floor, the glass swept up, the window boarded, and the door glass blood free in the 15 minutes that she had until the bell rang for school to be dismissed. They really do not make enough money! My hat is off to the work ethic and efficiency of our custodial staff.

All of this action was recorded by our surveillance cameras so be looking for it to appear on Funniest Videos in the near future.