Teeth are for Chewing

Before the advent of the mega convenience stores, we had several little mom and pop grocery stores. One sat on the southeast corner of the intersection of a major highway and the road that went to the local hospital. It was a small long narrow building that had about five parking spaces out front. Nestled up beside the store was a very small, second generation Mackey Dees. The owner of the store was very police friendly so it was a several time a shift stop when time permitted. The Mackey Dees was one of the local teen hang-outs so in the evenings, the parking lot was packed.

One evening, I was still riding with Santa’s Helper and we got a call to check a guy passed out in front of the store. It was about 8PM and a rather slow night in the early summer, short sleeve weather. When we pulled up, there was a 60ish skinny white guy lying on the ground between the parking spots and the front wall of the building. He was not a local so we approached with caution. You could smell the Bay Rum aftershave that he had been drinking a good five feet away.

We tried to get his name and such from him once we got him awake but he was not being cooperative. The owner of the store came out and asked us to remove him from his property. He said that people wouldn’t come in while he was there. It was a reasonable request so we started the removal procedure. Step one was to identify him to see if there were any warrants on him. He had no identification and was not forthcoming with his name so that was somewhat frustrating. We told him to get up and he refused, so that was frustrating also. Santa’s Helper was not the most patient person so once he had had enough of this guy’s fun and games, he decided that it was time to go to jail for public drunkenness, a slightly different charge that public intoxication.

We each grabbed up under an arm and heaved him to his feet. He was a dishrag until his feet hit the ground, then he stiffened up like a board. He held his arms out at about a 30 degree angle from his body, back straight, knees and elbows locked. I don’t know what this skinny old man did for a living but I was thinking a roofer or something labor intensive. He didn’t look muscular just skinny but looks can be deceiving. We started to struggle with him, trying to get his hands behind him so we could cuff him.

Now understand, Santa’s Helper was no small man and I was very strong then but we were having trouble, his arms wouldn’t bend. Apparently, the kids in Mackey Dees were bored and one of them had noticed the dance going on in front of the grocery store. A few had come out and were standing in the parking lot watching. We finally got his hands behind him and cuffed. We half drug him to the car and opened the door to place him inside. He wouldn’t bend! We needed to fold him in the middle to get him in the car, nope…not doing it!

Santa’s Helper grabbed at his legs and I grabbed around his neck with the intention of placing him in a choke hold. The next thing I knew, this son of a bitch had clamped down on my left forearm with all of his choppers! He was like a snapping turtle! He would not let go and it hurt! I was screaming at him to let go and I reached back to my right hip pocket. In that pocket was a 7 inch spoon shaped lead lined leather slapjack. It was legal to carry then and the only guideline that we had was not to hit someone in the head with them. I had never used it but I am pretty sure that my plan was to hit him in the head so he would let go.

As my hand closed around my slapjack, Santa’s Helper grabbed my hand.
Me: “What?!!?”
SH: [very quietly] “Look over your shoulder.”

All of Mackey Dees, employees and all, had emptied out into the parking lot to watch.

SH: “Too many witnesses.”

I released my slapjack and took the flat side of my hand between my thumb and index finger and smashed it into the underside of his nose at the base of his nostrils. He let go from the shock and I completed my choke hold. As he went limp, Santa’s Helper grabbed his legs and shoved them on the back seat. He ran around, opened the car door, and yanked him into the car feet first. I crammed his upper body in the car and slammed the door. A cheer went up from the Mackey Dees crowd.

I looked down and saw the perfect outline of his teeth in my forearm. It was bruising and swelling quickly but thankfully, no broken skin. We jumped into the car and started towards the jail. The guy started kicking the back windows and managed to break one of them about a block from city hall. We drove down the ramp into the basement where we unloaded prisoners. Just as we came to a stop, the elevator door opened and the shift Lieutenant stepped out. He told me to go upstairs and clean up my arm. He said that he would help Santa’s Helper with the prisoner.

I got on the elevator and as the doors closed, I saw the Lieutenant bounce the guy’s head off the trunk of the car. I never went up to booking. I did not want to know what I was powerless to change. I can just about bet that he never bit anyone again!