The Honda Civic Commercial

I had the TV on this morning as I was getting ready for work and saw the new Civic commercial where the woman was speeding to meet a friend and got pulled over by an officer. She tries to get all sexy before the officer gets to her window and says “show time” to herself. The officer turns out to be a woman. I started laughing so hard. It reminded me of the following incident.

I had been working at the PD for maybe a month. I had not yet gone to the academy. I was assigned to second shift and was placed with a training officer. For you to fully appreciate the story, I must describe my partner. He was old school! We had been riding together every night for a month and I had yet to even touch the car keys. I was not allowed to do anything except write tickets and the incident / offense reports at the end of the night. He never wrote anything! I was beginning to feel like a uniformed secretary.

He was not too happy to be put with a rookie and a woman at that! I was the only woman officer and he was stuck with me. He was about 6 feet tall and looked like a bald Santa Clause without the beard. I will refer to him as Santa’s Helper because he loved to stuff the chimneys. [He was a womanizer so maybe I cramped his style.]

We are out patrolling early one spring evening and see this little powder blue VW bug traveling at a high rate of speed in the opposite direction. It was just getting dark. We did a u-turn and flipped on the blues. The VW pulled to the side of the road and stopped. Santa’s Helper got out and began to approach the car. I dutifully got out and stood by the right front bumper (SOP for that time) and watched. He gets her license and returned to the car. He handed me the license and told me the speed she was going as he paced her. I wrote out the ticket and handed him the ticket book.

He was giggling like a little boy. He said that he knew her and so he wanted me to get her to sign the ticket. I was thrilled! I get to actually DO something. He made me recite the “please sign here” speech and off I went. He never even got back out of the car. He just started laughing like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

I was pretty naïve then plus it was the first time that I actually given someone a ticket. I did my best ‘hug the car’ approach with my flashlight in my left hand, right hand on my gun, and ticket book with license attached under my left arm. I noticed that she was squirming around so I was ultra-alert to what she was doing.

Shining my light over her left shoulder, the first thing I saw were BREASTS! She had unbuttoned her shirt all the way down to her waist and pushed the girls up so far that they were about to spring free of their binding. I ran my light over them down towards her lap and saw legs…bare legs…and the faintest hint of panties peeking out from under her skirt that she had hiked up as far as she could get it. Her hands were on the steering wheel.

I stopped at the door post and before I could speak…I was quiet stunned as you might imagine…she slowly started turning to look at me over her shoulder. With the light in her eyes, I could see her face before she could see mine. She looked like a woman about to have sex in a bad [are there actually good ones?] porn movie.

I began my rehearsed speech, “Ma’am, I have issued you a citation for speeding 60 in a 45 mph zone.” Puzzlement crept onto her face. “Your signature is not an admission of guilt...” The puzzlement began to change to confusion. “It is an acknowledgment that you have received this citation….” The confused look contorted into anger. “and you agree to either pay….” Hands flew off the steering wheel and grabbed the bottom of the skirt, yanking the helm down toward her knees. “the citation prior to your court date…” She grabbed her shirt and yanked it back together covering up the girls. “or you will appear in court at 7 AM on the court date indicated on the citation.”

She snatched the ticket book from my hands and said, “Where do I sign this damn thing? And since WHEN does Decatur have a WOMAN officer?” She actually spat the words out. She was pissed! I pointed my flashlight to the line for her signature. She scratched out a signature and ripped her license off the book and thrust it back in my direction. I tore off her copy and handed it to her. I said my goodbyes using my best southern charm, “Thank you. Be careful and slow down please.”

She didn’t exactly spin gravel in my face but I wasn’t even back in the car and she was gone! I looked into the patrol car and Santa’s Helper was laughing so hard that I thought he would hurt himself! His face was beet red and tears were streaming down his face. His rather large body was contorted around the steering wheel. I was thinking, “What the hell is so funny?” I had not told him what happened yet so I reached behind me to make sure the seat of my pants weren’t ripped.

When I got in the car, he told me that he just had a feeling, from years of experience, that she was going to try to get a “bush bond” for her offensive driving instead of a ticket. I was only 21 and as I said, naïve. OK, just down right sheltered! I didn’t pick up on the terminology right away so I proceeded to tell him about my experience. “You wouldn’t believe what she was doing….Why would she…?” I thought he would choke on his tongue!

I figured out what a “bush bond” was all by myself, before the end of the night. I was horrified that she tried that on me until I realized that she was expecting him to return to her window! Looking back now, I am kinda disappointed ....well, after thinking about it a minute… not really, she was a two-bagger! I also later learned that she speed up to get Santa’s Helper’s attention. He used to park his boots under her bed on a regular basis and hadn’t been by to see her in awhile. Instead of a date, she got herself a ticket and points on her driving record.